We're going to need more flamethrowers.

Last night as I arrived back at my parents' house for Christmas break, I came to the conclusion that if snowmen really could come to life one day, we're all doomed. More specifically, I'll be doomed. I won't just be doomed though, I'll be fucked.  Why? Let me show you.

This seems to be their main gathering place. The Snowman Lair.

I don't know when it happened or why, but for the past few years my mother (who I affectionately call Marge) has developed an unnatural affection for snowmen. Her collection started out as a few strategically placed Christmas decorations. Now, however, the collection has grown so much over the years that, no matter where you are in the house, you cannot escape the beady eyes of a snowman. They watch you. They follow you.
Quite frankly, it scares the bejeezus out of me. 


What's worse is that they are stored up for the majority of the year and are only allowed to come out during the holiday season. They just sit there in their boxes, building their rage and plotting revenge. So, if they ever do come to life like their Frosty deity, they are going to pissed and take it out on the first humans they see. They are going to fight for their freedom and newfound mobility and sweet jebus, they are armed. Seriously, they have an arsenal of doom. Let's take a look at what we're up against if we ever need to take those snowy fuckers down.


Every good army needs some sort of defense. Well, not only do the snowmen have said defense, they have creepy snowmen sentries:

They guard the main walkway to the house and are equipped with motion detectors. Who the hell decided that was a good idea? Walk in front of them and they will start to sing out there song of doom, warning all of the snowmen inside of intruders. It may sound like they're singing "We wish you a merry Christmas" but that's just a facade. Their song is actually entitled "We wish you a merry Deathmas." And they will sing it to you with a smile.

The face of Evil itself.

If you make it by the sentries, be prepared for this guy:

That's right, the snowmen have SnowIronMan on their team and he's guarding the front door. Good luck trying to get by his iron-spiked broom and exploding jingle bells. And those holes in his body? Yeah, he's equipped with an internal glow, blinding you as you try to make your way past.


You thought you were done? Oh, no my friends. That's just the beginning. You haven't even entered into their lair yet. If you're brave enough to go inside, you'll find these guys waiting for you in the front room:

They may look friendly and weak, but that's where they fool you. These buggers are different from the rest and if they come to life, good luck trying to outrun them. They have fucking legs for optimum speed and skis that they will fucking beat you with. And that little skinny guy to the left? He won't seem so skinny when he's being hurled at you through the air by his pair of appendanged friends. Arms and Legs there will also throw these at you if they get the chance:

Their noses will plunge into your heart. Fucking. Dangerous. Don't even try begging for mercy, especially to the one on the left. He'll just dig his nose in deeper.


Dying of thirst after making your way past the first hurdles? Or maybe the fear of not being able to survive the next batch has made you hungry for some god awful reason. Well, here's a word of caution: Stay out of the fridge. Seriously, they know that's where you'll go to appease your parched mouth and they'll be waiting for you.

This little guy isn't raising his hand to wave hello. No, he's just always prepared to karate-chop the living daylights out of you. With all that food in the way, it might be hard to see him, so keep your eyes wide open and stay alert.


I wouldn't recommend taking a washroom break, either. They have a pretty heavy hitter in there and he does not appreciate your shit. Or urine for that matter.

You may think that being made of porcelain would slow him down, making him easy to defeat. You may think that clogging it would solve this challenge. Wrong, again. He's not alone.

His little friend here is equipped with not only a motion detector to warn his companion of intruders like you, he also has a plunger. Try as you might to shove roll after roll of paper towel down Porcelain's throat, the wee snowy plumber here will just unclog that shit. First, you must take out the plumber, only then will you be able to defeat the toilet.


Before you can make it to their lair (as pictured above), you'll have to get by the chairs. Yes, the chairs.

There are six of these bad boys. Good luck trying to fend them off as they gang up on you.


When you finally do make it to the lair in an attempt to destroy them all, you will be faced with the deadliest of opponents: The Christmas Tree.

If you look closely, you'll notice that even the gift wrap is plastered with snowmen. 

You can't escape them.

Now, you may be thinking to yourself "But the tree isn't a snowman, it would never be able to come to life!" Wrong. Again. Look closely at the top of the tree. That's right. It's a giant fucking snowman hat, giving this tree unnatural snowman powers. Naturally, being the biggest and most badass of the Snowman Army, all of the tiny snowmen flock to the Tree.

Hundreds of snowmen are at the Tree's disposal and they will fling themselves at you to keep their precious Tree alive. You're going to need a lot of flames to take down this mofo. But if you think the Tree is the mastermind behind this epic plot of revenge, you've got another think coming. There, lurking behind her snowmen minions, is the true leader of the Snowman Army. Purrcie, a.k.a. "The Red Devil". She is the Devil incarnate, and she will get you.

Don't even think about trying to take her down. Just run, get the fuck out of there because you don't stand a chance.


So, beware the snowmen, friends. Should their day of vengeance ever come, don't come over to my house. It will be the Epicentre of Doom. And I will be screwed.